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[03 Oct 2005|11:16am] |
Let's face it, raising kids in this day and age is a hectic business. When questions like 'Where do babies come from?' and 'What the fuck have you done this time?' come up, your kid doesn't know what the hell is going on and, more often than not, ends up crying in the bath tub covered in a mixture of bleach and a mysterious gelatenous substance I found under the sofa.
To help you through these difficult times, I have written a short guide.
1. Switch religion each month but don't tell the kid which religion you're now following. If he does something which your religion forbids, break his legs and make him sleep in the basement for the next week. When you run out of religions, make new ones up that specifically forbid being a faliure (note: he is a faliure).
2. When playing games with him as a young kid, you're always the 'Angry Loser', and he's always the 'Loser'. Remind him this before the game starts. Most games should be 'touch the stove' or some variation. If he doesn't touch the stove, he loses. If he does, then what the fuck was he thinking? If he asks why you're a loser too, tell him that every second you have to suffer his presense a part of you dies.
3. Develop an alter-ego called clownzo, who enteres his room on random occasions, laughs manically while force feeding him a brick, and then leaves. If he ever asks you about it, say you'll go ask clownzo, go down to the basement and laugh manically for hours while thinking up what you're going to do to him next.
4. Buy him a horse on his birthday. When he tries to get on, mutter that you wired up the horse to be angry. If he gets confused or asks about it, pretend you didn't say anything. When he gets on, inject a copious amount of heroin into the kid and hit the horse REALLY hard on the back with a hammer. This will teach the kid to be afraid of horses.
5. At 3:00am break down your kids door with a chainsaw, screaming obsenities about his mother, covered in blood and semen. If he asks you what is happening say 'Oh I thought I heard a bug or something. Goodnight.' If he asks about it later, point out flaws in his own personality and remind him that we all have problems.
6. Make up a family song. Most of the lyrics should be about how you've come to loath him and how much of a disappointment he is. Make him sing it to his mother. At gunpoint. At the end open fire anyway.
7. Tell him he isn't edgy enough. Buy him a guitar and ask him to play some jungle bop. Don't explain what jungle bop is, but get extremely angry if he cant do it. Bees in his cereal angry.
8. When he leaves his bedroom, he should never be able to tell if you're crying or jerking off, but either way he should know he's in trouble. This will teach him what a fuck up he really is.
9. One morning tell your kid he must never look out his window again. Then at night time you can sit outside throwing rocks at his window to test his loyalty. Remember, they don't have to be ordinary rocks. I like to write little messages on mine, so when they break through his window, he knows what little cocksuckers who break their windows from looking out them too much get in the morning.
10. Keep a dead mouse in your handkerchief. If he starts asking too many questions try to get him to eat it. Try to fit it into his mouth while he's sleeping too.
11. Bake him a cake. When he cuts it, he should discover it's made of melted plastic and is hollow on the inside. 'Just like my heart', you'll tell him.
12. 'Sass mouth' should be punished in turn with 'ass mouth' - Quickly and cheerfully does the trick.
13. On his birthday, give him clues to a treasure hunt. The treasure at the end should be the defiled remains of his dog that you told him 'ran away to the circus' a couple of weeks ago. This will teach him there is no such fucking thing as the circus.
14. Tell him there is treasure in the garden. Give him a shovel and get him to start diging. When he gets far enough down that he can't climb out walk over to the hole. Wait for him to tell you there is no treasure down there. Then say 'Treasure? Oh I meant to say bees!', and drop a bee hive down there. Kids love jokes.
15. Cut a circular hole in the top and bottom of a box. Stick it on your lap and tell him to reach in for a present. It's crude, yeah, but it's also a handjob. Repeat ad infinitum.
16. Tell him he is to eat a whole watermellon in one mouthful. On the way to the hospital, keep telling him 'I can't believe we're missing your grandmother's funeral for this.'
17. Buy him a bible at a young age and tell him to 'digest it'. If he's smart, he'll figure it out. If not, the bible's pages were soaked in LSD.
18. If he's ill you can't have him running around. Nail him to the floor. To ease his mind, the nails should be in a box marked 'medicine', and you should be wearing a hat. (At time of writing, very few children are afraid of hats)
19. If you're out and he starts complaining, ask him why he is afraid of the truth. If he says he's not, you can catch him out by telling him his mother died that morning.
20. If he needs to be punished, I've always found a simple clothes iron can make quite an impression.
21. If he can't sleep after watching a scary film, unload a round of lead into the television and tell him that it's coming out of his allowance. If he points out he doesn't receive an allowance, point out you don't have a son and tell him to get out.
22. Mark out the 'day of atonement' at a distant date in the future on the calender. As it begins to approach, begin reminding him, occasionally at first but increasing in frequency as time passes. Don't tell him exactly what it means, but stress the importance as much as you can. The night before, cement over his doors and windows. After he manages to break out, staple his tongue to his lips. After he missed the big day, anything he says will just make matters worse.
23. One day, ask him if he would like horse lips. The next day give him horse lips.
24. Take him to the forest to go hunting. If he shoots something, ask him 'Jesus, can't you go 10 minutes without killing something?' He won't understand at first but when he gets home and his room is filled with poisonous spiders, he'll get it.
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[16 Aug 2005|08:26pm] |
My sentiments about going to school again-
"I don't much like the outdoors, Smithers. For one thing, there are too many fat children."
-Mr. Burns
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[04 Jul 2005|11:49pm] |
All right guys, the biggest party of the century is comming up. Its the event i know weve all been waiting for. Its finnaly here, after all the waiting, and praying, Harry Potter 6 is finnaly comming out!!!
ALL NIGHT NON-STOP HARRY POTTER RElEASE PARTY!!!!! Everyone dress up as a witch or wizard, Bring your protest signs and party hats. After one week, ANOTHER PARTY!!!! After spending a night buying the book, we need to spend a night discussing its god like awsomeness, and its devil like heathenism!
I for one cant wait for the biggest potter party this side of the mississippi.
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[06 Jun 2005|11:27am] |
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I havent left my house for the last three days, and i'm ever so slowly loosing my mind.
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[27 May 2005|09:47pm] |
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I wonder who I will still know after graduation time. You better hope its not you!
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[22 May 2005|06:45pm] |
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I have 18 hours to do a final project, any ideas?
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[08 Apr 2005|01:25am] |
Man
The DJ is back man, like never before. Hes hitting the screen like its nobodies buisness man.
BRAND NEW SONGS, SAME OLD PUNJABI
is the public ready???!!!
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[17 Jan 2005|09:27pm] |
Please post this image in your livejournal and ask all of your friends to do the same. It is very important that we get an *innocent* woman free from the chains of oppression. Together, we can help.
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| Frekin weak d00d |
[07 Jan 2005|12:18pm] |
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man, so i got suspended for two days for fraud man. That is the fourth run in with the po pos this year. What the hell d00d.
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| Sucks |
[15 Dec 2004|08:15pm] |
In the last week or two, I have been bitched at by a large quantity of people I like to call sucks. I realize that a great deal of people on my friends list are sucks, so i have taken the initiative to come up with a few facts for the sucks among us. (NOTE- Those of you who don't know if you are a suck or not- you are. There are only about half a dozen people on earth who don't suck, chances are you are not one of them)
1) If you hear me say something that you find offensive, I don't care so keep your bitching to yourself.
2)If you hear me say something that you think other people might find offensive, do us all a favor, and punch yourself in the face.
3) If you have a witty comment, it wont be funny because you suck too much, so keep it to your self.
4) If I make fun of you and you don't think that it is fair, just remember, you suck so you deserve it.
5)If you have an opinion, it is in no way valid, and no one wants to hear it, so keep it to yourself.
6)If you want to try and burn me by pointing out a spelling and/or grammar error, no one cares so keep it to yourself.
So that my part in trying to make the world a better place for all of us and striving to make it bearable for non-sucks to live among you people.
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[22 Nov 2004|09:17pm] |
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I have decided that i need a proper excuse not to go to winter formal to get some negros off my back. Therefore, I want all of you to know that on the day of winter formal, I will be dilligently investigating the Kennedy Assasination. I will interview everyone i know in turn and eventually find out who did in fact kill kennedy. You are all suspects.
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[07 Nov 2004|09:32pm] |
colliothefoolio: any news on the single?
Fimbaz: Ask Ben.
Fimbaz: Oh wait, you can't! Because Ben is violently exploring the multitudinous orifaces his woman, and probably has been all weekend.
Fimbaz: That's just an educated guess.
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[02 Nov 2004|11:52pm] |
Today was like taking a fat krap.
The kind of krap that you have to take really bad, and it makes your life hell until you find a bathroom, and when you do its the best feeling evar.
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[25 Oct 2004|07:34pm] |
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the number of people who wish to inflict bodily harm and/or call the po pos on me has increased alot in the last week or two. Any one else find that odd?
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[22 Oct 2004|09:49pm] |
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F the po pos man!
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[20 Oct 2004|07:10pm] |
01. Who are you?
02. Are we friends?
03. When and how did we meet?
04. How have I affected you?
05. What do you think of me?
06. What's the fondest memory you have of me?
07. How long do you think we will be friends?
08. Do you love me?
09. Do you have a crush on me?
10. Would you kiss me?
11. Would you hug me?
12. Would you do anything else to me?
13. Physically, what stands out?
14. Emotionally, what stands out?
15. Do you wish I was cooler?
16. On a scale of 1-10, how hot am I?
17. Give me a nickname and explain why you picked it. .
18. Am I loveable?
19. Describe me in one word.
20. What was your first impression?
21. Do you still think that way about me now?
22. What do you think my weakness is?
23. Do you think I'll get married?
24. What makes me happy?
25. What makes me sad?
26. What reminds you of me?
27. If you could give me anything what would it be?
28. How well do you know me?
29. When's the last time you saw me?
30. Ever wanted to tell me something but couldn't?
31. Do you think I could kill someone?
32. Are you going to put this on your LiveJournal and see what I say about you?
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| hey all. |
[18 Oct 2004|12:19am] |
well i was pondering some thoughts, & wanted my friends to take this lil survay i made.. please post it in the comments.
do you know I self injure?
if so what kinds do you know i do?
do you know if i have every tried to kill myself?
what would you do if i did sucseed in death?
what would you say if you found me?
how did i effect you?
would you come to my funeral?
would you cry?
would you say any "words" about me?
would you visit my grave after i died?
do you think im a good or bad person?why?
how would you think i did it, if you didnt find me?
would you tell others?if so who?
what would be your reaction if you found me?
would you really even care?
paste the survey above & put it in my comments if you would please :)
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| Prick |
[12 Oct 2004|11:22pm] |
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She thinks shes so fucking funny when she keeps being mean, when i am going out of my way to be nice. I can't belive that any one could be so self centerd and just plain mean. Even though I have done nothing but try to be her friend, she still hurls this shit at me. Well, you know what jackass, I dont even care anymore. I hope everyone finds out how mean you are to people who just want to make you laugh, make you happy, and most of all, make you healthy.
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[08 Oct 2004|04:39pm] |
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HOPE IS A GOOD BREAKFAST, BUT NOT A GOOD SUPPER!!!
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